Friday, April 11, 2008

Why oh Why

Today is one of those days I wonder why I ever became a parent. It's hard to remember 6 years ago that I was actually crying over the fact that I couldn't conceive. Of course, if I hadn't been able to experience parenthood, I'd still be depressed and crying over the fact. It's the classic grass is greener on the other side syndrome.

I miss not being able to sleep in on the weekends, I miss not being able to run out to the store for a few minutes or head to the mall and do some serious power shopping. I miss not being able to just pop out with my husband for coffee. I miss morning sex. (so does my husband)

I read magazine articles that moms need to get out and get together with girlfriends or doing something for themselves like going to a spa etc. I really don't find that that works. Of course, I enjoy going out etc. but I don't find suddenly that I have more patience or am in a better mood. My good mood is most often temporary, that is until I get home and have to deal with all the mom crap. Where is the deep well of sudden mom serenity? Are the articles really full of crap or are they just flat out lying? Maybe I'm expecting too much.

I'm not liking all the tantrums, arguments, power struggles. Let's face it, it's stressful to get three children under the age of 5 ready to go out. From finding boots to coats to snacks to drinks to diapers. By time I'm ready to go out the door my head is pounding. No wonder we don't go many places.

There's this friend of a friend who was telling me she got her 5 year old a drum set. Like a real drum set. I thought OH MY GOD!!!! How can you do that? Give a 5 year old a drum?!?! Are you insane. I said. "wow, kudos to you. I couldn't do that." It turns out she loves it. She loves the noise. She loves being a mom 100%. I felt like crap. I wish I could be like that. I wish I had all the patience of a saint to deal with it every day.

I'm not great at playing pretend games anymore. I used to love it when I was a kid but there's anything I'd rather be doing. I've gotten to the point that I hate messes so much that I'm not inclined to do something with my kids if it will make a big mess. I'm that sick of housework or I guess I'm just that lazy. I have to be totally in the right frame of mind to deal with it. My poor kids, right. Not really, they are happy and I give them all the love I have.

But I'm a stressed mom. I'm living in a small space with 5 people underneath my in-laws, who are perfect by the way. My husband used to work these incredibly crazy hours and now that he's home more, I'm working more. I own a store with my sister-in-law that's struggling financially and I'd like to get out of it only we have debt so I need to help pay that off before I can move on. So I work full-time nights 5 days a week and only have one day off with my husband.

I'm beginning to think living under my in-laws is starting to have a negative effect on me. It's been 3 years now and I'm just realizing now that that could be part of my problem. I feel like I have no privacy. If I yell at my kids then I have the added embarrassment that my in-laws have heard me lose my temper. I feel bad already when I lose it but does every one need to know too?

Every thing we do or forget to do is glaringly apparent. If we don't get on to something then they do which irritates me. Mainly cause it gets thrown up at us about how much they do etc and it never seems like we are sufficiently grateful because we're never allowed to forget it. But also because I would like to do stuff around the house too, it just has to fit in with our family schedule. If I say anything about what they've done, then I get the cold shoulder. It can go on for months. They are really nice people but what it comes down to is 4 adults living in the same house with different ways of doing things, only cause they're older their way is always right.

The only reason we all moved in together was because they were living in another town and it was hard for them to be able to afford to get into the real estate market. So we figured why not split a home. It's a lovely home but since we've moved downstairs, we are so cramped it's not even funny.

Hopefully we will have our financial situation sorted out and we will be able to afford to sell and buy somewhere else. The plan is for us all to have our own home again. Please lord soon.

Well, I have probably whined enough for one day. Tomorrow I probably will come back in and delete this post because I will regret being so candid.

All you can do is pick yourself up and keep trying. Trying to be better than you are. Trying to be the better parent you know you can be. Trying to be patient, more caring, more loving, more fun.

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